So, here I am. 25 years old, still a waitress, and sometimes feel like I am crippling under the pressure of what the fuck I’m going to do with my life.
‘What’s your plan?’
‘Do you still work in that restaurant?’
‘Do you still live with your parents?’
I have no idea. Yes and of course, yes. Fresh from living in Australia and New Zealand respectively, my home town looks considerably more dull than ever to me, now (especially when I gaze wistfully at the image above). I feel like there are very little opportunities for what I want to do, and therefore feel a bit stagnant in my current situation. I am sleeping in the same bedroom I did when I was a teenager. I feel like nothing has changed. It’s an unusual awareness when you have been away for such a long time. You return home and expect things to be different from when you left all that time ago. In reality, everything is unchanged – just the same as it was when you got the hell out of there. So here I am, I have reluctantly slotted back in. Granted, I work in a new restaurant now, (I know right? Exciting.) and I recently got my hair cut into a very short, very different hairstyle. This was probably a vain attempt for me to ‘shake up’ my life – safe to say it feels like I am still floating in a dull limbo (although my hair isn’t so high maintenance anymore which, I suppose, is a positive).
All of this is what brings me to this blog, I suppose. I have said ever since graduating from University: ‘Oh, I’m a writer, don’t you know?’ I tell everyone: Even though I might be just a waitress now, I am definitely going to be a writer soon. It was only recently that someone asked me, ‘What do you write, then?’ and I was stumped for a response. I write detailed WhatsApp messages to my small circle of close friends for (mainly my own) entertainment, and… that’s about it.
So, this blog is me, finally getting off my arse and doing something related to what I actually want to do in life. There is no point in whinging and moaning every fucking day about how much I hate waitressing and how my life is going nowhere and my degree is useless if I am not willing to actually change it for myself. Only I can adjust my circumstances, and only I can change the direction my life is heading. I need to stop procrastinating; doing absolutely nothing to create change and then bemoaning my lifestyle. I have no idea what direction this blog will take, but at least it will get me writing. I will most likely be the only person reading this, and that’s okay. My fingers are typing and my mind is working and my future might begin to unfold (slowly but surely). I have no idea where I will end up, but if I want to write then why don’t I just bloody well write, then?
I feel like I’m a bit lost at the moment. Stuck in a rut and unsure where I’m heading and what my options even are. I’m following an unpredictable and sometimes monotonous trail through the second half of my twenties. I’m not where I thought I would be at this age – but I need to recognise that that’s okay. I need to stop being so hard on myself, and I need to be positive — slap on some rose-tinted glasses for once. I have my family and friends, I have my health, I have a job – granted not the dream job, but the tips fund my denim addiction nicely.
I like to think that this opening blog entry will be the first step in developing my situation. I can and I will write every day. I was the only thing preventing me from following up on what I actually want to do because I was lazy, unmotivated and convinced I would fail. I am shaping my path and it starts here. No more negativity, no bad days (she says, with an unconvincing, frenzied smile), small steps and I can achieve what I’ve always wanted to. I think anyone can, if they put their mind to it.